Thursday, October 13, 2011

An Eclipse Phase Fanfiction

As the bullet blew their mark's brains out, Taco wondered why all of their carefully-laid plans always went to shit.

The human slumped against the wall. Taco frowned at the splatter for a few moments, then squatted by the corpse, grabbed the remains of his head, pulled it forward and sliced at the back of its neck. A bit of sawing into the spinal column, some pressure in the right place, and the human's cortical stack popped out like a blood-slick grape. He had backups, but no resurrecting with memories of today for you, baldy.

Taco wiped it on his fur and looked around the office. "How's it going?"

Dash was fixated on her scanning equipment. Her blue jumpsuit had already closed itself over her wounds. "No cameras. Dumb motherfucker."

7-11 finally hacked his way into the quantum computer and started sifting through data, his tentacles pulling up a storm of AR screens. Taco couldn't have asked for a better hacker.

[Confirmed,] the octopus said eventually. [Twelve of LamarCorp's researchers are forks from the Singer Institute.] He turned a screen towards the group.

Taco whistled. "He was in this up to his eyeballs, huh?"

Dash grinned and tossed her rainbow hair. "Told you."

Taco leaned against the wall and lit a cigar. The bonobo watched as Dash produced a couple of grenades and set them to cover the entire room. DNA chaff. Forensics were going to find a room packed with skin flakes from a thousand bodies and the remains of a cigar Taco hated. Perfect.

Taco took another puff, found where he'd put his metal detector and ran the wand over the body. "Anything else there, Double-Prime?"

[Just LamarCorp's finances.] The octo's body took on the vibrant tones of a very pleased criminal. [Mind?]

"Go for it." Taco lowered his goggles and began to carve into the man's back.

Dash watched his remaining blood do its best to plaster itself across Taco for two and a half seconds before deciding she had reached the optimal time to ask. "What the fuck are you doing?"

Taco changed vision modes and crammed his fingers into the hole. "Pretty sure the little shit hid a life recorder in here."

7-11 watched numbers fly as LamarCorp converted its profits to crypto-cred and made some very definitely legitimate large donations to various Argonaut groups and Firewall fronts. [Once this is done I'll nuke the box, just in case.]

"If it's quick," Taco agreed, dropping the cyberware in a hidden pocket and standing to admire his handiwork.

Dash nodded. "We should be getting out of here at least 20% faster. What's next?"

Taco made one last sweep of the room. No surveillance. Infosec was taken care of. Corpse dismembered. Mondo.

They might have fucked up their actual plan, but when it came to last-minute balls-crazy contingency plans, he couldn't ask for a finer team.

Taco smiled, and queued up a funky song in his head.

"I feel like a fuck."

* * *

Ettin peered over the GM screen.

"Sorry, what?"

"Now that we're done with the adventure, Taco goes to a brothel," Eric explained. "We're on Mars, right? There must be like fifty of them."

"You're a bonobo," Ettin replied, lowering his eyebrows a fraction.

"Neo-bonobo," Eric corrected. "Sex is a big part of bonobo culture, right? Says so in Panopticon, page 109."

Ettin's eyebrows raised again.

"You can't remember how to roll initiative but you can quote page references for monkey sex?"

"Don't judge me."

"What about Dash?" Ash asked. "They had some romantic tension."

"And you're a dolphin!" Ettin accused.

"In a human body! A polysexual dolphin," Ash said defensively. "At least I don't know what page number dolphin sex is on."

"110," Eric said.

Ettin threw up his hands. "Fine, fine, but I'm not rolling dice for it. It happens, move on."

"How about 7-11?" Paul asked. "Any chance of an octo-lay?"

"Are you asking me to make GM rulings on whether or not your uplift characters can get some nookie?"

"What?" Paul folded his arms. "Love and the desire to mate are natural, even for uplifted octopi."

"Besides, EP is all about the sex anyway," Eric said.

"It is fucking not, you dorkapotamus," Ettin said. "It's a game about transhuman conspiracy and horror!"

"It so is!" Eric replied. "What about the hookers, and Parvarti, and Carnivale in Gatecrashing? And neotenics, even!"

Even Paul stared at him.

"How do you even remember all that stuff?" Ash asked.

"That's your problem with what he just said?" Ettin did what could only be described as an angry mannerism. "Every setting has sex in it, that doesn't make them some kind of erotic roleplay adventure!"

"Oh yeah?" Eric sniffed. "What about Eberron?"

"Don't you have a blog entirely dedicated to sexy things you can do with changelings?"

"But nobody reads it," Eric sniffed.

"Forgotten Realms?" Paul asked.

"Alustriel and half the things Elminster does ever, for a start."

"Dark Sun?" Ash asked.

"Naked bald dudes in leather chaps."

"Fine, what about Pathfinder?" Eric asked.

"Sorry, I only play good games. The point is, there's a big difference between something like Eclipse Phase and something like CthulhuTech."

"What's wrong with CthulhuTech?" Eric asked.

Ettin pulled up the relevant PDF and showed it to him.

Eric threw up on his dice.

"Now stop reading creepy sexual stuff into everything," Ettin said.

"Does that mean it's okay for our characters to get laid if it's not creepy?" Paul asked.

"Fine, fine. Just... offscreen, okay?"

They nodded. Well, Ash and Paul did. Eric wept into the table.

No complaints. Eric was taken care of. Problem solved. Tubular.

Ettin smiled and queued up another song from his gamemastering playlist. It was a sexy song, it was a funky song, it was a song about dinosaurs eating people. But really, it just a metaphor for fucking people.

Because sometimes when you fuck somebody you feel like a dinosaur.

7 comments:

Patrick said...

I demand that all your posts use the word "mondo" from now on.

Crinn Cashim said...

You forgot about the porn XP, didn't you.

Ettin said...

Porn XP might need explaining!

Really I could cheat and find which book mentioned gold-plated Slitheroids covered in sex toys. (As a joke, so it still beats CTech!)

The Littlest Arsegoblin said...

Well now. The beginning made me want to play Eclipse Phase, which I only barely know about. The rest of it I can relate to, seeing the type of people I play with. Most of whom operate on the very functional and appreciable premise that sex, sexuality and that thing between your legs really aren't that big a deal if you don't make a big deal out of them (hell, it's incredible than some paragon social awkwardness master getting all hot and bothered if a female player mentions her character, male or female, changing clothers or washing themselves).

Then again, it also makes them think describing weird, sentient collective of fifty seven cranium rats calling themselves Bob the Third on orc action is fine if you don't get an erection out of it.

It gets kinda weird sometimes. Especially when that shit actually happens. Bob the Third is now happily married to Ogrum Gor Graka, in case you wanted to know.

The saddest thing is, I'm pretty sure they're roleplaying it better than I roleplay my characters almost ever. Also that this stuff is regular enough that I can expect it to happen.

Ettin said...

Eclipse Phase is twenty different flavours of awesome. Posthuman Studios publishes it under the Creative Commons, too, so you can go check it out for free!

(Dear Posthuman Studios: If you are reading this just leave my fifty dollars under the sink in the women's toilets at Redfern Train Station, Sydney. Don't worry about it finding its way to me. It will.)

Anonymous said...

Hey Ettin you should discuss 40k. Especially now that Space Tomb Kings were leaked.

The Littlest Arsegoblin said...

Creative commons? For real? Now that's something in a world where Wizards of the Coast will actually seriously try to fucking ban you from D&D forever if you leak their shit.