Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Meet Some Of Your Fellow Designers!

So, by now you're aware 5E was announced. Well, they have the basics down and something you can playtest eventually, we probably won't see it for a year at the least and basically nothing is known about it whatsoever besides "playtest!", but holy shit, 5E! All those people who have been claiming 5E is just around the corner for seventeen months are finally right!
And they want you to playtest! That is like personally having a hand in designing the game! This is a glorious day for fans of Dungeons & Dragons! (Subtext: So shut the fuck up about how WotC isn't listening to you!)

Oh yeah, and you're teaming up to design a game with these entitled assholes:

The Bibliophobe
"ok so they change ALL the rules and FORCE you to have to buy all new books if you want to keep playing the game with new material? What they did was a scam, plain and simple and I have never forgiven them for that."

A new edition? Oh god! My books are going away! Sure, I'm playing an edition of tabletop game which has already received thousands of times more support than plenty of other good elfgames ever get, but if there aren't new, compatible books on the horizon, all of my books are invalidated and WotC black ops teams will shoot me in the genitals if I use them!

The Bibliophobe was apparently not aware that new editions are a thing that happens.

The Amateur Designer
"Each class should have their own XP charts. Just hear me out..."

The Amateur Designer actually does have mechanics they'd like to suggest. They don't have an agenda to push, or simply want WotC to pander to them, or have any axe to grind.

They're just really bad at this.

The Indignant
"By not acknowledging the problems with 4E and by not apologizing for the damage 4E has done to the D&D brand, WOTC is sending me the message that they don't truly care about what I think."

5E isn't enough. 4th Edition was WotC taking a metaphorical shit on the fanbase's chest. That one advertisement they ran jokingly acknowledging that previous editions, including the one they made, had their problems and 4E's designers were setting out to try and fix them? Unforgiveable mockery! Nerd blackface! Not making the game I like? CRIME OF ALL CRIMES!

5E trying to cater to everyone isn't enough. The Indignant needs a personal apology from Mike Mearls for 4E ever existing, tattooed on his cheeks as he firmly presses his lips against The Indignant's left buttock.

(The left, because 4E wasn't right!)

The Tito
"So you are admitting 4.0 was a colossal failure that destroyed the game and fractured gamers into a thousand pieces?"

The Tito knows 4E was the worst thing to ever happen to tabletop gaming. They've been saying so for years! Why can't anyone see it?! All they need is some kind of proof that the game they don't like literally destroyed the hobby. Some sort of proof, like...

A new edition! Perfect! The Tito is now Cassandra's curse broken, and their words ring true. I mean it's not like a new edition was coming along eventually, right?

The Paying Customer
 "I really truly believe that 5th edition will just divide the fan base further, because so many of us are happy with the rules we've already been using for years. Why is it that I should feel "wrong" for wanting to continue playing 1E? I spend a ton of money on my hobby through eBay and Amazon. Why doesn't WOTC want my money?"

The Paying Customer has money! Why isn't WotC falling over themselves to gently fetch it from his outstretched hand? He has money, and money is good for business! Market research conducted by The Paying Customer glancing at a forum he and his like-minded friends congregate in assures him that WotC could easily support past editions and new ones simultaneously, perhaps with fairy sparkles.

Fuck Corporations
"Paizo has shown itself to be honest, open, and trustworthy with its fans. WotC on the other hand..."

Fuck Corporations knows what really destroyed D&D: It was Ha$bro! I mean really, a game owned by a corporation? That is just asking for it, like a dinosaur wearing a short skirt. Anything produced by a company is dead and soulless by definition, motivated only by profit! They're exploiting us!

Paizo is, of course, a grassroots gamer movement not interested in profit. Honest. Compassionate. Buzzword.

The Xaositect
"So D&D is: an immersion to adventuring by playing a team of balanced adventuring roles in the same fantasy world, presented by the DM."

This guy could be the world's greatest designer and you'd never know, since everything they say is completely incoherent.

Seriously, what the fuck?

Peanut Gallery
"Personally I hate 4th ed. I think WotC failed on this one. I hope 5th edition is better but regardless I'll be sticking to Pathfinder."

They're not going to play D&D anyway. They just thought you'd like to know.

The Pupal 4E Grognard
"Im am done with you guys. I have a entire youtube and facebook dedicated to 4th edition. I have battled for you all year and spent $1000 on books. Chris Perkins said there will be no 5th edition. Everything the trolls said is true. What a joke, Mike Mearls and company has destroyed the legacy of the greatest RPG ever."

Despite the best efforts of whoever owns D&D at the time, every edition will inevitably have its haters. Sometimes, it's possible to spot them in advance. There's something about that twinkle in their eye, the way they've already decided 4E is ruined before actually seeing any 5E material. One day, if they're lucky, they might look at themselves in the mirror and realise what they are becoming. If not?...

No, John. You are the grognards.



(On a serious note: Really, if it's possible for you to participate in this, do it! Even if it's optimistic as hell, there's a whole lot to gain in trying. What's the worst that could happen?)

6 comments:

Cooked Auto said...

The latest Penny Arcade brought up a similar point but on a much much more twisted level.

Mozai said...

Is it just me, or are the edition cycles getting faster? 10 years, 8 years, now 5 years per edition?

Ettin said...

Depends how you feel about 2e revised, 3.5, Essentials etc.

It could be a good move, but I'm a little worried since it seems like 5e was announced early as a reaction to the vocal minority of grognards spewing mindless bullshit into every major RPG community. On the other hand, I do not have a huge pile of money with which to hire market researchers, consultants and industry insiders, so I'm more than willing to see where they're going with this.

Also, good news! All but two of those quotes are things actual people have said on the internet (mostly from RPGnet), and I just edited in an actual quote for The Pupal 4E Grognard! We are making progress.

Anonymous said...

Damnit Ettin what the heck is wrong with you? I used to like your blog but then you started talking out your ass and not pandering to me enough. It's official CR25 is dead, everyone go home. 2E CR25 has killed it. I mean look at this layout and how plain it looks, not like the superior piece of webdesign that was 1E CR25. Also the content is getting published more frequently. this is obviously the herald of Ettin releasing worse less thoughtout content at a faster rate to try and get us to spend more of our time here.

tl;dr CR25 is dead, everyone go home

Ettin said...

Oh shit, since this wasn't in the 2E post I actually thought you were serious for the first sentence and a half.

You are the best person.

Jenx said...

You know, at times I really do think I should probably be feeling bad about being a RPG nerd and not really caring about D&D.